Life is a Resonant Rhyme...

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

This is officially the first (and probably last) time and place that I'll write down my New Year's resolutions for 2008. It's strange that I haven't done it already, especially since I was so intent on doing it New Year's Eve and posting it on my wall. Oh well...this is a wall, of sorts. I digress.

1. De-clutter. And that means everything in my life. No more crap sitting around.
2. Eat healthier and try new foods.
3. Challenge my fear of water.
4. Save money from each paycheck.
5. Go back to school, take at least 4 classes this year.
6. Have a more positive, understanding attitude.

2008...

It's going to be a good year, I think. A very good year.

2007-12-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote recently to attempt an explanation of the strain I feel when I look at Nate. He recently told me that he doesn't have those feelings for me and right now he doesn't think he ever will. Imagine how hard it was to hear that, considering that I've dedicated 8 years of my life to the belief that he was the one for me and planning out my life with him for all eternity. I'm doing better, not crying anymore like I was doing on a daily basis for a while there...but I thought I'd share this poem for those who'd care to read it.

Inner Workings
by Chalese Felt

Your heart is a patchwork quilt
pieced together by hands not your own;
dyed with bitter colors and frayed,
abandoned in summer's heat.

Fragile man, dimming soul,
tearing at yourself for signs of life...
all is not lost, where love remains;
I am here to save you.

I, the healer of hearts,
the unconditional guardian,
I am here.
Always.

And your burning sense of sin,
that ever-present burden...
we'll lift it together, as one,
and bathe you in light again.

So you love me.
And I was not the one who hurt you.
And you were the one who hurt me.
And I love you.

And we are. In this,
the perpetual circle of life,
givers, healers, and sharers
of the vast expanse of love and pain.

While life moves, furiously,
around us and them and they,
we and ours and theirs
overcome pain and love.

Sweet boy, who feels not yet a man,
know that you are such a man.
For men understand what they do,
with knowledge to grow by.

Stand now, man, friend, love, child;
let love guide you to new life.
Split open the seeds of your soul
and rejoice in creation of goodness.

So Fitting

2007-10-14T20:59:00.000-06:00

If you know me personally, you're probably well aware that Snow Patrol is one of my favorite bands. I was listening to their stuff tonight and even thought I've heard their song, "Chocolate", a million times, the lyrics really stuck out to me this time. Nate, this one's for you.

"Chocolate"

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

Sometimes it's hard to really feel who you are inside because you're constantly pulled at by things in your life to conform to the positions you hold. That's why it's crucial to have good friends and a good family - to hold you firmly in place while letting you branch out to make new discoveries for yourself. I think this song is a perfect example of someone who's realized how much someone meant to them in all the right ways and they're trying to make up for hurting them so much in the past and forgetting who they really were, if only for a moment. It's not so uncommon in life, and certainly not a sin. You just have to find the strength to get yourself back on track.

When Friends Date...

2007-09-19T22:50:00.000-06:00

I went on my first ever (actual) date with Nate tonight. It's weird; in our 8 years of being such close friends, this is the first time we've actually done this. And the best thing about it was that it went really well. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

We went to dinner at the Macaroni Grill in Salt Lake. When we found a parking space over a block away, we didn't notice that the parking meters basically shut off after 6 PM, so we put change in but didn't have enough to buy more than 48 minutes...so we walked into the bar next to where we parked to get change for a dollar. Every single person in there was either Hispanic or Native American and they ALL stared us down. It was almost like going into a biker bar. We were totally out of place...a very metrosexual man and his black turtleneck-clad date in a trashy bar? WHAT??? Anyway...

As we were walking, this woman walked past us with a man on a bike riding next to her. She turned to Nate and said, "You'd better show her you like her tonight. Talk sweet to her. Pay attention to every last word she says. Make yourself worthy of her company....or I'll have to jump off my motorcycle and kick the crap out of you!" ..... um, she wasn't riding a motorcycle, nor was the man next to her. I think she had been drinking. ;)

Dinner was wonderful. Macaroni Grill has big swatches of butcher paper across the table and they give you crayons to do whatever you want on the paper. So we wrote lyrics to our favorite songs and talked about the business opportunities we've considered. The waitress remembered Nate from high school and seemed to be flirting with him, but I didn't make TOO big a deal about it. Besides, she was friendly to both of us and she didn't really seem like his type anyway. hehehe. I had the BEST dinner. It was called Penne Rustica. Penne noodles baked in a mozzerella cheese sauce with shrimp and chicken strips, and then cheese crusted over the top and banked crispy. MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I could eat that every day for the rest of my LIFE!

On our way down the street from the capitol building to get back on Beck and go home, Nate turned the car around and headed up into the avenues. We ended up at this lookout point in the middle of a neighborhood where there's a cul de sac you can park in and go look off the mountain onto 4th South and all the lights in Salt Lake City. We've been there before but not for years. His arm around me, we took in the sights. I told him that I think the reason why lights seem to twinkle in the distance is because air moves. And the further away you are from it the more dense it looks from where you're standing. And you can sometimes see groups of molecules moving around, like in the wind. Or possibly heat radiating from the earth. Either way, I'm convinced that it's because there is some kind of matter condensed and moving in-between you and the object. He seemed interested and appreciative of my intuitive nature. I hope I was right! Salt Lake City is beautiful at night.

And holding hands in the car all the way home is the best way to end a date...especially while you're listening to the likes of Chris Garneau and Cat Power. Absolutely amazing. We're so alike, and yet, different enough to keep things interesting. We'll see where this goes. Either way, I love him.

A Cheap Trip to the Spa

2007-09-02T09:02:00.000-06:00

I tried this "recipe" yesterday that I found online. It's supposed to give you REALLY smooth skin, and if anyone needs smooth skin it's me! I bought all the stuff at a normal grocery store but I thought it would probably make the bathwater as thick as clay with the quantities it was asking for. It didn't. In fact, it all dissolved so completely that I could hardly tell it was there at all! And it worked. I think next time I'll exfoliate more and use more stuff, but it was really cool and it DID make me feel like I'd been at the spa all day! Way cheaper though...here's what you do:

Buy the following:
A vegetable fiber brush. (I used a boar bristle brush, but they're about the same roughness so I think it's OK)
1 lb. (16 oz.) of Sea Salt, Epsom Salt (found in the drug section), and baking soda
A tin of either sesame oil, grapeseed oil, or coconut oil (hint: they're cheaper if you buy them in the food section instead of the lotions section)

Exfoliate your skin with the brush you just bought, starting at the ankles and working your way up to the neck. Get your feet and hands too. You should see flakes of dead skin coming off. If you don't, you're not brushing hard enough. Once you're finished, start a bath as hot as you can stand to soak in and grab a washcloth. Pour all the ingredients you bought into the bath and let them dissolve. Get in the bath and go to work on your face with the washcloth, dipping it in the water every few seconds to keep it hot. This will open all of your pores. The job of the ingredients you bought is to pull all the toxins out of your skin...if the bathwater turns gray or pink, it means that the toxins are coming out! Soak in the tub for as long as you can...and then rinse off in a cold shower so the salts in the bath don't crystalize on your skin. It might also be a nice idea to wash your hair while you're in the shower and deep condition it (leave it in while you get out of the shower). Use a mud mask with avocado and oatmeal on your face. Once you're out of the shower, rub the oil into your skin from neck to toe. I didn't put it on my face because my skin breaks out easily. The oil doesn't really have much of a smell, so you can put other fragrances in with it...but beware of lotions that have propylene glycol in them...that's bad. Another name for it is Anti-freeze. Not good.

Coming from a true cynic, this is an amazing way to pamper yourself...and pretty cheap too! I think I spent a total of $15 on all the ingredients total. And I felt baby-soft all night long!

Blast from the Past!

2007-08-21T20:18:00.001-06:00

Today I was thinking about the road trip that Nate and I took to Portland, Oregon a few years ago. I think it came up because my friend Colle was telling me about his upcoming trip to Portland where he's going to get his hair cut to donate his luscious curls to Locks of Love. I don't know if they'll take his hair because I'm convinced it's not long enough, but he's determined to prove me wrong. The scary part of the story is that he doesn't know what he's going to do for a new haircut...and if you know Colle, he's capable of anything as long as it's completely insane and irrational, yet somehow it always comes out funny.

Nate and I decided to take the aforementioned road trip because we wanted to go out of town to see a Dave Matthews Band concert. So we packed up the Jeep Cherokee I had just bought about a month before and headed out on a Friday night, drove straight through all the emptiness inbetween here and there, and had the time of our lives. We drove through Boise, passed through an amazing little town called Pendleton, OR, and then drove through The Dalles just as the sun was coming up. It was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen.

We stayed at a place called the Silver Cloud Inn, which, if you've been there, you know is actually like having a dark cloud over your head. It was kind of dreary and drab. Of course, that could have been attributed to the fact that most of Portland was sort of overcast for our entire trip. Not too bad, but noticeable. Nate went to the only "store" we could find that carried groceries, which happened to be an organic food store, and brought me back some organic cheese ravioli when I wasn't feeling well enough to leave the hotel room that night. It was DISGUSTING but we had a really good laugh about it! And we ate pizza for most of our trip. Sitting in bed, eating pizza, watching music videos on MTV. What more could you ask for?!

We drove clear out to the coast to Astoria, the place where most of the movie "Goonies" was filmed. It's a small town, a mixture of quaint and unpreserved (I guess that's the best word for it). We visited this memorial park where there was a big column with a mural of the Lewis and Clark voyage painted on it, and we climbed the spiral staircase to the top where we looked out on a beautiful coast on one side and an amazing forest on the other. I took pictures of Nate standing next to the column and then sitting on this really neat canoe set in the park to show what the canoes of the natives in the area looked like. I got dizzy and nauseated climbing up and then back down the column but I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

The second day of our trip, we started driving around Portland to see what kinds of things looked interesting or places we wanted to visit. We kind of got lost driving on the strange, winding roads of suburban Portland and wound up on "Antique Row", where we spent almost an entire day. We're talking a half-mile of houses turned into antique stores on both sides of the street. They had EVERYTHING you could ever imagine. Common items, vintage items, collectibles...and most of the places we went into REALLY didn't smell very good. It was like they had a cat that just liked to pee on stuff. That was a fun experience and I'd totally go back if I had just a little more money than we had on that trip.

The last day of our trip was the concert at which we discovered the amazing talent that is singer/songwriter Josh Kelley, who was opening for Dave. He's become pretty famous since, but we know we were among the first to witness his gift. And the Dave Matthews Band was amazing that night too. We were so entranced by the music and the environment and the overall experience that we didn't want to leave. We bought a decal for the back window of my Jeep and left for home that same night because Nate had a job interview the next morning. We drove straight through the rain and the wind, the darkness and the early morning sun...well, OK, so Nate drove most of it because I couldn't stay awake...and we were both completely exhausted by the time we got home.

If you ever get the chance to road trip with your best friend and most favorite person in the world, I suggest not putting it off. You probably won't ever get that chance again and you'll never know what you missed out on! Love ya Nate.

An Army of One?

2007-08-20T20:54:00.000-06:00

Every day during my break time at work, I watch Glenn Beck on CNN. Why? Mostly because it's the only channel shown on the only TV in the break room. However, he's always discussing something interesting so I don't mind at all. He does get a little preachy sometimes and he tends to fight with his guests a little too much (is it Bill O'Reilly envy?) but he's usually right, in my opinion. Today he announced that a story would be run later in the program focusing on Vladimir Putin's ongoing expansion of the Russian army. I didn't get to watch it...my break wasn't THAT long! He said that the focus was going to be on whether the expansion was happening to portray a public image of the country or to carry out some other kind of mission, the kind that the world has feared for years now.

For as long as I can remember, people have said that the day Russia builds an army and the world notices its size, it will be the day that we have long feared and the end will be near. It's hard to believe that that day would come in MY lifetime...not that I'm making assumptions here. Russia is entitled to have an army of size to defend its size and resources against nearby terrorists. And personally, I've never seen, in my life, any evidence that Vladimir Putin is evil. BUT. BUT...it could happen. My dad is very much interested in the prophesied happenings of the last days of the earth, and as his daughter and friend some of his philosophies and beliefs have rubbed off on me..mostly as curiosities. Who am I to shut his theories down when no one can prove them wrong? The problem is, no one can prove them right either.

Once I find the story on Glenn's site I'll try to publish it (or at least part of it) here for those who are interested.

Comments? Questions? Theories? If anyone actually looks at this blog and wants to give input I'll gladly accept it.

Take One

2007-08-19T17:25:00.001-06:00

This is a new thing for me. I've never blogged before. I hear about it all the time but it never seemed like a big deal to me. But today I had a thought that it might be nice to type my "journal" instead of hand-writing it, so I came here and experimented a bit with layouts and settings...and it looks like this might actually be fun!

I'm thinking about going into business with my best friend, who I also happen to be completely enthralled with...for the past 8 years now. I know, I know...."move on, girl - its never gonna happen if it hasn't happened by now" right? Maybe. Maybe they're all right and I'm just blind. Anyway, back to business. He's got an amazing business mind and I'm very independent and creative, and we make a great team together, so he approached me one day about combining our minds and starting a business to make ourselves some money. He's come up with two great ideas so far and I've got nothing. What's wrong with me? Why am I stuck? I'm never stuck! I've had a couple of ideas that would be fun to pursue but that wouldn't necessarily be successful business ventures, but as soon as I mentioned them just for the sake of sharing ideas he shot them down...which I knew would happen. Now I find myself wondering if going into business with him would be a mistake, and not just in our personal lives. If I go into business with him and he takes complete control over everything, which I could definitely see happening, I'm going to lose all interest in furthering the dream and I'll want out. So I guess we need to talk, huh? Too bad the Secret Spot is closed for the summer or I'd drag his butt out there and hash it out with him.

Aside from business ventures, he can be a great person, but he's very moody and selfish sometimes and I find myself being absolutely disgusted with that side of him. On the other hand though, he's the only person who gets me, and we share a very special connection. I just think that he hides too much, afraid of putting himself out there for judgment. As successful as we've been in maintaining our friendship for the past 8 years, through relationships with other people and conflicts with each other, I don't know if he's as serious about growing what we have into a relationship as I am....and try as I might, I can't understand that for the life of me. Why keep me in his life just to bring me up and then hit me with a big, huge disappointment later on? Big, long hugs and sincere (at least they SOUND sincere) "I love you's" should say a lot right? Well, I'm starting to wonder.

Aarrg...I'm getting too frustrated to write.
Headaches aren't good company for the written word.